DISILLUSION

Where to start?!
Maybe a good place to start would be when life as I knew it, changed, drastically.

I was in Thailand for the second time. It was April 2014.
I was sat in the middle of a tiny village in a forest when I realized that I had been living my life but I hadn’t really been there.
I had been breathing for 24 years, I had seen so many things but really I had seen nothing.

The realization dawned on me just like I had woke up from a dream… I had.

Everything I had ever done was a result of years of confusion, obligation, and conditioning.

During this time I lost who I thought I was and everything I thought I knew about my life and my world. I had to reconsider everything I thought I knew about myself, my values, my beliefs, my relationships.

I saw myself in a way that I never thought was possible. Probably because I was ignorant of the fact that there was anything to see. I thought I knew myself so well.

I saw that everything I had ever believed in, thoughts I had, people in my life, my ideas of what is right and wrong, all of it.
My idea of who I was, my personality my traits my ways, all of it was washed away in the blink of an eye.

Then, there was nothing. I was a blank slate. Standing in the middle of nowhere.

I had never known such peace.

Since then, I have been on a new type of journey. One that nobody had prepared me for.

Somewhere along this path, I felt the urge to share my experiences.

But I didn’t, I haven’t.

I feel scared, basically, that’s it, I feel scared to put my words, my thoughts and feelings out there.
Why?
There are a million reasons I could give instead of the simple truth.
because I feel scared, I have a voice inside telling me that ‘I am nobody’, ‘what do I know’, ‘I’m not smart enough to share anything’, ‘I am not wise’, ‘nothing I know is going to be of use to anyone’.

Ultimately I have come to realize that the reason I struggle to share, the reason why I am not confident enough to tell the world and everyone I see, is because there is no label for what I want to share.

When somebody asks me why I’m so different or what happened to me or why I have ‘changed’, I haven’t been sure of what to say to make them understand.
But I see now that it’s not something that can be understood and it doesn’t have to be.

This is not something that we can grasp with our minds, we can not define it.
It is not even a thing to even be called it.
It is no thing yet at the same time it is everything.

It’s a shift. If this shift has happened to you, you will know what I am writing about.
If it hasn’t, then you will think I am ‘a hippy’ or a ‘gypsy’ or a ‘weirdo’, to name among the few.

I can use feelings and share experiences as a way to try to convey what it is. I can label my initial experience as ‘awakening’ or I can say I’m ‘spiritual’. But none of this is relevant. These labels aren’t relevant.

This is exactly why I want to share. Not because I am ‘wise’ or ‘spiritual’.
Not because I know more or less than anybody else, but because I have realized that labels, judgments, expectations. They do not serve us. They make life harder than it needs to be and they hold us back.

Just as my judgments of myself ‘not being good enough’ to do what I want to do, have held me back from starting up this very blog or sharing my art.

I am not writing this as some sort of master who never lets such minor things get her down. I definitely do not have it all figured out.

What I have come to realize is that nobody does, and that’s perfect.

We are all perfectly imperfect.

This is why I feel called to share. So that I can talk about my perfectly imperfect life. Share my ‘normal’ life, my everyday ‘problems’, my highs and lows.

So, I do my own work. I am mindful. I live consciously. I inquire. I make mistakes. I try my best. I am human.
I am you.

We are all walking on our own path, at the same time we are all connected.

I do my work as you do yours. Now, I have chosen to share that work…

…And those with “eyes to see and ears to hear’ will respond.”

With love,
Charlie x

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