In October of 2015, I was sat on my bed with my friend talking about how I wanted to shave my head.
I had been talking about it for a while but never really felt ‘ready’. I knew on this evening though that I had let go of my attachment to my hair as it had been for the past 24 years.
So I decided that if I was ready to be bald, before this I would make use of my long hair and dread it.
I had always wanted dreadlocks but was never ‘brave’ enough to actually go ahead and do it!
Even the change from ‘normal’ hair to dreaded hair was too much to comprehend before that point.
During the two-ish years of my dreads life, I did wonder if I would ever have the urge to shave my head or if it would go away and it would just be a ‘phase’ I went through.
Buuut sure enough, the time did come and I don’t know why it was this specific time. Whether something triggered the thought, whether it was an instinctive impulse, or if it was just time.
I couldn’t stop thinking of shaving my head. I would go to sleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like my dreads anymore or wanted to get rid of them, I still loved them. Just like I had loved my hair before I dreaded it.
It took a few weeks for me to finally pluck up the courage to do it.
Thoughts floated in and out of my mind
‘I can’t just be bald’
‘people will think I’m a weirdo’
‘what if I look terrible’.
I had also just started a new job so I thought about if people would even recognize me if they would even let me work. I am aware of employers dictating what you can and can’t look like, where people try to tell you what you can and can’t do with your hair as if it makes any difference to how you will do your job!
All of these insecurities and type of thoughts were precisely why I wanted to get rid of my hair!
So much self-doubt and worry, just for something that grows on my body, just like the hairs on my legs and the ones under my arms.
But this is different hair, right? It’s the hair on my head. It’s the hair people spend hours playing with before they leave the house, the hair people spend hundreds of dollars on every month.
It’s not different though is it, it is just some dead skin cells sitting on top of our skull.
Yet we are so identified with it.
I didn’t want to be.
So, June 2017 I shaved my head.
My boyfriend got a pair of scissors and chopped off my dreads handfuls at a time.
Then he got the electric razor and shaved my head all the way BALD!
Once he had finished he looked at me and he loved it so much he wanted to be bald too.
So, I shaved his head!
It was so fun!
We laughed so much, we played around cutting different shapes and weird styles into our short hair before we finally were both bald.
Strange to explain, but I felt so light afterward.
Not in the physical sense, I mean, of course, it was a physical weight of my head, all those long dreads where heavy!
What I mean is within myself I felt, free.
The best thing is now, I don’t feel uncomfortable.
I know people look at me. I have the kids I work with call me a boy. I have people who know me say,
‘oh my god why did you do that’
‘aw your hair was so nice’
Also, people say how beautiful I look and how much it suits me.
Strangely enough, so many people comment on what a nice shaped head I have.
Some of these comments are nice some are not. It doesn’t matter.
I am not my hair, I am not my clothes or my house or my car. I am not what you expect of me.
I am much more than any of that.
Beauty is not measured by external and material things. It is not what we have been taught it is. A person is no more kind, or good because they have nice hair.
What you see laying on the body of a human does not indicate the depth, love, and compassion of their soul.
True beauty lies within.
So I let go of the attachment, the identification, judgment, and the expectation.
I am happy.
I am proud.
I am beautiful.
With or without hair!