No one needs to understand what you are doing.
It’s no business of anyone else why you choose what you do.
It’s not your responsibility to translate you, to them.
It’s your job to be you, for you and that is all.
I wrote this not long ago, and for the past four years or so it has been what I have tried my very best to live by.
But on this day, today, the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I am wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa watching Disney films.
Do I have a drawing next to me, No.
Am I working on building my business, No.
Is my laptop sitting by my side, No.
Did I do my dishes from this morning, No.
Do I feel good about it, um honestly, I still feel that tinge of guilt.
I see these thoughts floating around my head.
‘I am wasting time, I am being lazy, I’m not being productive.’
In my twenty eight years playing human on this planet I have discovered many things about my SELF, my EGO, my patterns, my safety zone and what’s outside of it.
Being productive and active from the second I wake up to the second I sleep is my comfort zone.
Being somebody elesses hero is my comfort zone.
What is not in my comfort zone is
‘Everyone around me, act as though I’m not here because I’m not doing anything to help you today.’
I’m just listening to my intuition, not my guilt, and I am sitting here watching ‘The Princess and the Frog’.
Maybe I’m watching it on repeat, maybe I’m going to sit in my Pjamas all day long, maybe I’m not going to do any cleaning or working or drawing or designing.’
I have learned that although being ‘selfish’ is one of the hardest things for me to be, it is something I must be.
For the sake of my own sanity and wellbeing.
If taking a day or many days, to be SELF-ISH and SELF-CARE, then that’s what I must force myself to do. Sometimes these days come easier than others and usually when I surrender to it, it doesnt even last a day.
But sometimes, those patterns, that guilt, those little bits of us we learn and carry with us from childhood, they stop me from caring about me.
When I am living as that little girl, I will do anything, be anyone but I will not be selfish.
Then what happens, everytime, a lesson that took a while to learn.
My body takes charge.
My body reacts, in the same way it did when I was a child, the same what it alwsays has. It forces rest upon me, it knocks me down in my tracks ensuring I can not DO I must just BE.
It says to me,
‘if you wont do what needs to be done willingly, I will do it for you’
Tonsillitis, throat infections, head aches.
My body will reject my efforts to push through.
My body takes the driving wheel and says no, you need to rest.
And it is right.
Of course it is.
I know this pattern and I know it well, these days I see it coming.
These days, I take that time, I have that day (realistically few hours because my natural need to create something draws me back)
These days it is my work to notice, to listen to my intuition, to know that I need a blanket in the day, a tea and a book.
I need to have a two hour bath in the middle of the afternoon and relax in my room the rest of the day.
I need to walk away from everyone around me and be alone.
Even on these clear days when I am in touch with myself and connected to what I know I need for me to be my best self, even when I do the things that nourish me and light me back up, even when I am that strong being who knows what I need, I still notice the guilt.
I am still aware of the expectation and happiness of everyone around me.
I am stil aware that me doing exactly what I need, might not be what they need or wanted or expected from me.
But honestly, I cant give a shit.
I literally cant.
I have to let that go.
Nothing I do will please the people around me.
No way that I ‘try’ to be will ever be good enough for anyone else.
It is absolutely not my job to live my life for other people.
My only job is to live my life for me.
I am my world.
To be selfish is not a negative.
To take care of self is what we all should do more of, what we should be taught is THE most important thing of all to do.
If I am lost in should’s and shouldn’t, what’s right or wrong for others, if I am holding myself to invisible high standards am I listening to me, am I considering myself in all of that?
I refuse to work myself in all aspects, family, ambition, business, relationships, into sickness.
I will not force my body into physical sickness and myself into DIS-EASE because I have abandoned me.
I am listening to me.
I am resting.
I am living for me.