Tag: #spiritual

‘Embrace the glorious mess that you are’

‘Embrace the glorious mess that you are’

Posted on by Charlie White

When I posted this art piece on Instagram I chose this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert as the caption.

In practicality, I chose it because this piece had no direction. Not in the slightest.

I was sick of my watercolor paints, I wanted acrylics but had no money to buy them. I was, as usual, putting myself down about how ‘I couldn’t paint anyway so why bother’.

So I just started to flick the paint all over the paper in a kind of sulky, disobedient attitude.

In my attempts to not waste the paper I decided I’d try to make something of the mess of paint splattered across the page.
I grabbed any old black pen and started scribbling an elephant. Not sure why but they are always my go to. When I’m not set out on anything an elephant always appears.

Once she was scribbled out I thought a signature mandala might make it something of nothing.
As I was spontaneously arranging this mandala around the elephant I was thinking about how the mess was actually perfect.

This mess is exactly what it is supposed to be.
If I let go of the expectation,
If I let go of the judgment,
If I let go of the pressure,
It simply is what it is,
Which of course is all that we are.

This is when the true inspiration behind the quote came to me.

I have expectations of myself, about what I ‘should’ do, how life ‘should’ be lived, what I ‘should’ be like.
I judge myself and my abilities, how my art ‘should’ look, how my painting ‘should’ turn out.
I put pressure on myself in pretty much every aspect of life, but why?!

If I was to let go of all of that, what would be left?
Me.
Just me, as I am.

I can say or think negative things about myself, we all can, about ourselves and others.
I can think that I’m a mess, I’m shit at this, or great at that. I can think that my life is a wreck and you can think the same.

But instead of us labeling ourselves and everything we do, how about we just embrace what we are.
Good or bad,
Wrong or right.
Let go of all of that.

There just is what there is. You just are what you are, I just am what I am.

With Love,
Charlie x

‘EVERYTHING IS DONE BY THE MIND, EXCEPT MEDITATION’

‘EVERYTHING IS DONE BY THE MIND, EXCEPT MEDITATION’

Posted on by Charlie White

When I first ‘tried’ to meditate I thought I was terrible at it. I thought I couldn’t do it.
I was thinking what I have now come to know, what almost everybody thinks when they first ‘try’ to meditate.

‘Why is this so hard for me’

‘Everybody else can do it, they all look like Buddha himself’

‘This is so uncomfortable, I can’t possibly stay here for an hour’

 

‘Keep your back straight’ they say

‘Keep your eyes closed’ they say

‘Quiet the mind’ they say

 

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how I could ever do this meditation thing.

But as I was in a Buddhist monastery project for a month and a half I kind of had to or at least try.

One of these days I had a ‘breakdown’. Of course, everybody has a different perception of what breakdown means but I like to use this word to describe the times when the walls I build up around my emotions and my heart, break down, and I allow myself to recognize and fully feel whats going on inside me.

So, one day, I had a breakdown, I cried for hours talked for hours about things that I had been clinging to for years. The very next morning I sat down to meditate for the hour and didn’t move from the second I put my but on the ground!

Nothing had changed, my legs still hurt unbelievably, there were still ants the size of birds climbing all over me, I was still burning up in the Thai sun and my back still hurt. At the same time, everything had changed!

I was aware of all of these things but they didn’t matter. The biggest difference was my mind had been, well, I guess recognized for what it was.  
I had seen. Once I had seen, there was no going back.

 

That was three years ago and since then meditation has been a vital part of my life. I meditate almost every day. I won’t pretend that it’s an easy everyday part of my routine because there are days when I don’t meditate and there are also weeks where it slips from my routine completely.

I used to make myself feel terrible for this like I wasn’t on my path or wasn’t good enough because I ‘couldnt even meditate every day’.

Just like in my first experiences with meditation, I had been so identified with my mind, believing and following every little story it played for me. I realized that these sort of thoughts were not in any way going to help me meditate daily. In fact the opposite. These thoughts spiral into ‘you cant do it, might as well stop trying’.

The irony of it is that by meditating you learn to see that negative self-talk for what it is, just a thought.

The mind will try it’s best to drive you away from meditation, because being in meditation, the mind is not required. The mind has no place in the present moment which is what meditation is. To be, feel, accept the present moment, exactly as it is not as you would like it to be. No judgment, no projections just being.  

 

Meditation is our nature. There is not a trick you must know in order to be able to meditate, you don’t have to wipe your mind of all thoughts, there is no perfect way to do it, no right or wrong, believing so only limits you and gives you reasons why you ‘can’t do it’.

In my experience, I have come to see that meditation is simple awareness. Awareness of our true self.

I have let go of all of the expectations and rules I read and learned about certain techniques and opinions on meditation.

Not to discredit any of these things at all, the research and studies into meditation are fascinating and vital in ensuring meditation becomes a part of the education system, businesses, rehabilitation, and everywhere else too!

The variety of techniques can be beneficial. Whether you sit in silence, listen to chanting, sit in lotus pose or stand up it is totally up to you. I tend to mix it up depending on how I am feeling at the time.

In my personal practice, I found by paying too much attention to the finer details of each technique, the mind gets sucked in and starts to get consumed by ‘right or wrong’. Before you even know it those thoughts have popped up again.

‘Ugh, I missed my breath, I can’t even do something as simple as count can I?!?’

‘I don’t know all the words to these chants, I have such a bad memory’

‘I don’t know how to make up my own mantra, I’m not good at this spirituality stuff’

‘I can’t sit here without moving, what’s wrong with my body?!?’

Understanding a technique is mental. Being in meditation is not mental or intellectual, it is experiential.

 

Awareness is they key in my opinion. If you are ‘trying’ to do anything when you’re in meditation, then your are not in meditation. Don’t try to get rid of your thoughts, they will come and they will go. Don’t try to get all the words of the mantra right, sometimes you will sometimes you won’t. Don’t try to force your body to the point of pain and judge yourself for it, some days your body will be comfortable in lotus and some days it won’t.

Like this, meditation teaches us to accept what is, in life. This, is how I have learned the importance and benefits of meditation.
If we are ‘trying’ we are fighting against what is. If we are judging what’s happening as right or wrong we are creating problems for ourselves.

Some days you feel happy some days you feel sad. Life can seem hard and life can seem easy. At times work can be exciting, at times it can be boring. Relationships can be fulfilling, they can be draining.

The sun rises, the sun sets. We see a crescent moon then we see a full moon. The ocean rises and falls as do the waves. All things change. The simple law of nature.

Meditation brings us back to ourselves, we remember this truth. We remember that everything changes, everything is impermanent, that includes the thoughts that pop up and tell you that you can’t meditate.
They will leave, the same way they came.

Just be.

 

With Love,
Charlie x

‘I know one thing, that I know nothing’

‘I know one thing, that I know nothing’

Posted on by Charlie White

‘I don’t know’

As children, we never want to say this. In school, we won’t put our hand up and say we don’t know the answer.

In a conversation, we won’t speak up and say ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’.

When we are asked what we want to do or why we got into this career, no one ever says ‘I haven’t got a clue’.

We are brought up with the impression that not knowing something is a negative, embarrassing. Like we should know everything!
But did Albert Einstein know? No! That’s how he made groundbreaking discoveries.

We are expected to know what the answer is and to know what we want to do and to know who we are.
But the truth is, we don’t know who we are.
And I believe it’s because we are looking in all the wrong places.

So often, people believe they are defined by the role they play in life.
‘I’m a mum’, ‘I’m a lawyer’, ‘I’m a son, of an uncle who’s grandfather was a politician’.

We grow up believing that once we are qualified for this or that, once we have a house or have children that we will find peace, we will find out who we are. We don’t though.

If anything more often than not we fall deeper into the unknown but we fail to recognize this.

That’s why you will rarely hear a doctor say
‘I don’t know why I ever became a doctor’.

This is why I hear so many people my age suffering, saying things like,

‘I’m 28 I should have a house by now’

‘I’m not even using my degree, I should be a working as a vet’

Should you?!?
Is that because you want it, or is that because you believe it will bring you peace or that you believe you will have a ‘purpose’ once this happens?

Is it because you don’t know what else to do so you blindly follow the well-trodden path, is it because you don’t know what you want and you don’t know where to look so you look where everybody else is looking.
Is it because if you stand up and say ‘I don’t know anything’ people will think your an idiot or your family won’t be happy or most of all because you are scared.

I have felt all of these things.

I have realized one thing,

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!
I don’t know ‘who I am’ if that is even ever to be defined!

I don’t know where I want to live, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know much.

But I am comfortable with this. I don’t think these things need to be known.

Socrates was said to have spoken these words.

‘I know only one thing, that I know nothing’

We will never know everything, we are not supposed to. To believe that we do know is complete ignorance.

By admitting this we are admitting that there is more to discover, that we do not have all of the answers or any answers and that it is okay.

Not knowing free’s you.
You are not bound by your ’opinions’ or ‘beliefs’ or ‘ideas’ of who you are.
You are open and free from all constraints, free to look into the only place that you might ever find what you are looking for. Free to look inside.

If you look there, one day, you just might ‘know’.

With Love,
Charlie x

‘IF NOT NOW, WHEN?’

‘IF NOT NOW, WHEN?’

Posted on by Charlie White

I was once asked the question, What is your biggest fear?
My answer was…

‘My biggest fear is living a mundane life. A life in which I go to a job 5 days a week that I do not enjoy. To pay a mortgage for a house I did not want, in a place, I do not like.
Saving all I can for my annual holiday. Coming back to the house that I want to change, from a job that makes me miserable, to watch TV for hours to numb myself of the painful lifestyle I am living.’

This was my answer two years ago.

A few weeks ago, I had an emotional breakdown. I have only had one experience like this before and it was in fact, about two years ago.

I cried and cried, for days.

I was lost. I am lost.

All of the things I use to hold onto, to keep ‘my head above water’ as they say. All of the excuses and reasons I use all fell away from me and I was left sitting there staring into nothingness.

I didn’t know what to do.

Do I just stay in my bed forever, do I remove myself from the world, do I go and get mind-numbingly drunk, do I go and get high until I don’t think at all.

Or

Do I just carry on, do I just ‘get on with it’?

For days I didn’t know how to be. So I just floated along.

I did carry on, I went to my job, I came home, I ate, I slept.

I stopped doing my work. Not my paid work, not my job, but ‘my work’.
The things that ignite my soul. I stopped.

I stopped writing, I stopped drawing, I stopped reading, I stopped studying, I stopped practicing yoga and meditation.
I stopped everything. I stopped trying,

I stopped trying to read and expand my knowledge in topics I am passionate about. I stopped practicing yoga and trying to improve my practice so I can be the best yoga teacher I can be. I stopped writing and trying to ‘figure me out’ and find the reasons for my behavior. I stopped drawing and channeling my energy.

I stopped using all of my techniques that ultimately ‘help’ me ignore the truth.

As I stopped everything, I realized something.
In my stillness, in my floating, I remembered that question.

‘What is your biggest fear?’

My answer was different but the same.

My biggest fear is unfulfilled potential.
My biggest fear is that I will not fulfill my potential.

For as long as I can remember I have had a thought.

‘THIS CANT BE IT!’

Previously, before my trip to the mindfulness project, I had no idea what else there was, I just hoped and felt within my soul that there must be something more than the life I was living.

Now, I know there is something else. I have seen and felt with all of me, the ‘something else’ I was searching for all my life. I have felt the peace and ease, the absolute blissful and fulfilling experience that life is.
I know how it feels to be completely fulfilled, to be completely happy.

So, since then, I have known that I don’t have to settle, that I can have a fulfilling life.

I know that and I will not settle for anything else!

Now, in my life, the pain I feel, the suffering I feel, is because I know that I can have peace and happiness, yet I do not.

I am settling!
I am still living life the way I always have, a slightly different version yes, but ultimately the same.

I struggled for so long, so many years, wondering what I was going to do, wondering what I liked, where I belonged.

Now, I know all of those things. Knowing made it easier for a while, then eventually it became a different kind of hard.
After two years of knowing and not doing, I have hit the tip of my Ice Berg.
I have been so sad for so long. I have buckled.

So came the breakdown…

I realized my pain came from suppression. I am suppressing myself. I am not doing what I want to do. I am putting myself into boxes I do not fit in, AGAIN!

I have strong faith in myself and I believe with all my heart I will do what I want to do. But in my life right now I am not. I just wonder to myself
How long will I do this for?!

How long will I make excuses, how long will I put obstacles in the way, how long will I convince my self that I am doing what I want?

Of course, I am doing a version of what I want, but not fully.

I want to travel, I live in New Zealand. I want to learn new things, I am gaining qualifications in my new job. I want to be with my partner, we have a great life.

I convince myself that because of these things, I am doing what I want.

I make the best of life and involve what I really want by doing ‘my work’. Every day I do my work, I learn about mindfulness and practice it every day, same with yoga and meditation.

But the truth of the matter is, this is not enough.

I use my work to help me from going insane in this lifestyle I am living.

In reality, I want more.

I want to live on a farm surrounded by animals and learn about sustainable living, I want to live off the land. I want to wake up to the sun to practice hours of meditation and yoga, I want to write and create all day. I want to learn from spiritual teachers, from wise yogi’s and experts in mindfulness.

The life I am living, in Queenstown, is much like the life I described as my biggest fear.

I have a job, it is a great job but it is not my passion. I am studying, how to become a swim teacher, not a yoga teacher. I live in a beautiful place as far from my hometown as I could be but it’s not travelling.
I am with a person I love with all of my heart. Yet my heart still aches.

I have not been taking care of my heart and soul. I am abandoning them even though they try to communicate with me every day. I feel the feeling, I sense the unease, I know something is not right, yet I have been ignoring it. Burying my head in my work. Trying to say it’s okay.
It’s not!

I have not been listening.

I have not been taking care of myself.

Over the past weeks, since this ‘breakdown’ I have made a decision to listen.
from now on, I am taking care of myself.

No more excuses, no more pretending, no more convincing myself.

I trust my path, I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for this experience.
I trust this lesson.
I will listen and I will act.

If not now, when?

With love,
Charlie x